


(not) an emergency

by hudders-and-hiddles (huddersandhiddles)



Series: romance and nibblies [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Coda, Episode: s05e10 Roadkill, Ficlet, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Panicked Phone Calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2020-01-05 19:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18372323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huddersandhiddles/pseuds/hudders-and-hiddles
Summary: Patrick's tax seminar is interrupted by a string of emergency texts from David.





	(not) an emergency

When his phone vibrates with an incoming message for the third time in less than a minute, Patrick sneaks it out of his pocket to glance at the screen. It’s David.

_Patrick_

_SOS_

_911_

Shit. He slips out of the room and back down the hall toward the hotel lobby, thoughts of another robbery or a raging fire or some horrific car accident racing through his mind. His fingers shake as he punches the call button, uncertain of what disaster awaits on the other end of the line.

“Patrick! Thank god.”

“David, are you okay?”

“No! Well, I mean, yes, _physically_ I’m fine, but—” Relief courses hot and fast through Patrick’s veins. No matter what else might have happened, David at least is okay, and that’s all that matters.

“Is it the store then? Is everything alright?”

“It’s the store,” David confirms, and Patrick collapses back against the wall, insurance coverage limits and deductibles tumbling around in his head. He scrubs a hand through his hair and braces himself for the bad news. “Alexis and Ted had sex in the store.”

“What?“

"I know. I can’t believe—”

“You texted me 911 because Alexis and Ted—? That’s not an emergency, David!”

“Yes it is!” David’s voice rises high enough that Patrick has to pull the phone away from his ear. “I don’t know what they touched. I don’t know where they— Ugh, I’ve gotta throw away all of our inventory now.”

Patrick rolls his eyes and lets out a heavy breath, pushing some of his adrenaline out with it. Leave it to David to call his sister’s love life an emergency. Patrick shakes his head and tries to reassure his lunatic of a boyfriend. “I’m pretty sure they didn’t have sex on every item in the store.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Let’s call it an educated guess. Unless you want to watch the security footage and find out.”

“Ewww! We can’t afford that amount of therapy!”

A laugh bursts unexpectedly from Patrick’s chest, the last of his annoyance vanishing with it. God, he misses David. It’s ridiculous; they’d had dinner together before he’d left town just last night, but he misses him all the same. The tax seminar certainly hasn’t been as entertaining as this conversation.

“Well then you’re just going to have to trust me when I say that the inventory is probably fine. I don’t really get what the big deal is anyway.” He does, but at this point he figures he might as well pretend not to—if David can call him in a panic over something this inconsequential, Patrick at least should be able to have some fun with it.

“You don’t get what—? Okay. My _sister_ ”—David emphasizes the word like it’s some kind of mythological monster of which the world should be very afraid—“and her deceptively wholesome boyfriend got _naked_ and then _put their body parts together_ ”—he slowly enunciates each individual word in that phrase, and Patrick bites the inside of his cheek to stop from laughing—”somewhere—I don’t know exactly where but _somewhere_ —inside of our store. That we own. Ours.”

“David, _we’ve_ had sex in the store.” A woman walks past, scowling, right as Patrick says it, and heat rises in his cheeks.

“It’s _our_ store! _We_ can have sex in it whenever we want. We could be having sex in it right now if you were here, but no, you had to go to a boring tax seminar, and now I’m going to have to stay here and clean every single inch of this place. By myself!”

"Are you sure you have enough disinfectant for that? I mean, they did have sex on every single product.”

“You’re a terrible boyfriend.”

Patrick smiles. "I love you, too. And seriously, the store is going to be fine. Just go back to my place and don’t worry about it for tonight. I’ll help you clean when I get home in the morning.”

“You want me to just let it… _marinate_ over night?!”

“Fine, I’ll buy you a hazmat suit on my way home. Will that help?”

That finally wins him a laugh, and Patrick’s smile grows impossibly wider. “Make sure it comes in a slim cut.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want you to be unfashionable.”

“I’m always fashionable, thank you very much.” David falls quiet for a moment, and when he speaks again, his words are softer, all that bravado stripped away. “Thank you, button.”

“For what?”

“For… talking me off a ledge. As usual.”

“It’s what I’m here for." 

Patrick wishes he could head back to Schitt’s Creek tonight. He wants David in his arms. But unfortunately there’s still another few hours left of this seminar, and at least one of them needs to actually know how to run their business properly. "I should probably get back.”

“Yeah, okay,” David says. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I’ll come armed with bleach.”

“You better.”

Patrick lingers there a little longer, listening to the quiet sound of David’s breath, before he finally makes himself say, “Okay, I really am gonna go now. I’ll text you tonight after I’m done.”

“Okay,” David says. “One more thing before you go though. Ted and Alexis, uh… They…”

Patrick shakes his head fondly. Clearly David’s still stuck on this.

“It’s fine.”

“No, um…” David can’t seem to find the words, and the silence pulls tight between them, fraught with anticipation, until suddenly the words all tumble out at once. “They apparently had sex on the sink in the new bathroom and broke it and it fell off the wall and cracked a few of the floor tiles and now we’re going to have to get Ronnie back out here to fix all of it.”

“THEY DID WHAT?!”

  

  

  

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr as [wild-aloof-rebel](http://wild-aloof-rebel.tumblr.com) (my Schitt's Creek blog) or [hudders-and-hiddles](http://hudders-and-hiddles.tumblr.com) (my main).


End file.
